In the blink of an eye – everything changes

I feel like I have woken up in someone else’s life sometimes. I am still very much coming to terms with the events of 1st September 2015 and slowly learning and figuring out ways to make the best of a pretty shite situation.

Today was not a good day, this morning sat on the sofa by myself and I felt for the first time really, that feeling like this every day for the next however many years just wasn’t a good option – don’t worry, I am not going to do anything stupid, well I will do lots of stupid things but not that …… but this every day fills me with dread. Pain has blighted me for years, the last year alone, sometimes, putting one foot in front of the other has been so difficult, but I just thought I was a bit of a wimp and just carried on.

Finding out that there are these nine little pockets of inflammation between my ears was scary, losing the use of my left side was terrifying losing my speech was the most frustrating thing to have happened but actually getting the diagnosis was a relief. Likely to date back many years because of the amount of lesions and years of tingling, numbness and weird goings on and having had every test under the sun, I have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Given the choice I would choose a stroke, in fact the early days they gave this as the diagnosis until more in depth mri’s were carried out. I know that sounds mad but at least I would have had a chance of the 100% recovery I was aiming for. Now things are very different and I am just grateful to wake up with moving arms (they stopped working two weeks ago during another relapse) so my boys continue to get our precious mummy hugs (and I get to wipe my own bum again).

The worst thing about this is the guilt I feel, I have inflicted this on my family and I wonder had I had the diagnosis years earlier whether I would decided to have children as watching their pain when I cannot go and kiss them goodnight in their beds or their voices full of hurt and confusion when I am in hospital breaks my heart – this is not what I wanted for them and amongst all the positivity that I try to have, comes this ache that I have hurt my precious gifts so badly.

My next annoyance is cash, I hate it, I hate the worry it brings with it and the lack of it. I worked my socks off trying to get what we have, I sacrificed time with my family for a life of unsociable hours, took umpteen calls on big foots first birthday, had to go in on Christmas day and for what – all I have managed to achieve is massive mortgage; and finally (really did it have to take this) I see how unimportant it all was. The last two years have been flippin’ tough, I have rarely taken Tobes to school because of work and now I can’t take him at all – the effect this had on family life has been profound and at 3am when sleep is not forthcoming and muscle spasms are at their worst – I wish I had done things differently….