In the beginning…

I was so excited, we had had ‘the’ conversation about starting a family and we were good to go, I worked out dates and decided that a Spring baby would be just lovely – oh how naïve we were….

This month, the first month, I did get the 2 lines and we rejoiced, I rang my parents very excited but this was short lived and just a day later it all ended, this is what is known as a chemical pregnancy and whilst I was upset it was fine, it showed we could and would also show that the fact that this happened was a miracle.

6 months on and I am now getting a little impatient so I decide to google bits and bobs a few things you can do to aid fertility and still nothing, one more year on and my body has been invaded by a fertility obsessed desperate to be mummy. So here starts the POAS (peeing on a stick) getting pregnant obsession.  Now when I say obsession with getting pregnant, boy do I mean it … by the time I  found out what the problem was with my failure of a body, my total ineptness of the point of my existence inability to get pregnant,  I am physically and emotionally spent.

I have at this point, pee’d on every stick possible purchased fertility monitors, bathed in rose quartz, drank fertility tea, paid for an angel reading, taken and charted temperatures, purchased a fertility spell on ebay, chanted spells North South East and West hoping that some mythical being would help, binned all underwear and re-purchased orange pants, because orange is the colour of fertility don’t you know?  I discussed cervical mucus at length with ‘cycle’ buddies on website forums (incidentally, I have some amazing friends from these forums), pre-seed, positions (sorry Mum and Dad). We tried everything and with sagging shoulders we sought help.

Now my fertility monitor had pointed out a bit of an issue, did you know that we have something called a luteal phase? This is not an astronomy term but in fact this is the time between ovulation and period that should be about 14 days, turns out mine is a couple of days at most HURRAH, we have gone from unexplained to explained infertility – so armed  with a prescription for what I can only describe as a wonder drug, Clomid – once more we had hope.  Clomid along with vitamin B6 and evening primrose capsules for the first 14 day got me where I wanted to be and another month of testing 5 days before I should and instead of spending £50 on various different pregnancy tests because my boobs hurt a little more than yesterday, immediately within seconds I got that precious, amazing, incredible, I AM GOING TO FINALLY BE A MUMMY , two pink lines……

The first few weeks were amazing and incredible for s0 many reasons, lots of bleeding, lots of scans……2 heartbeats, every week 2 heartbeats week on week my little angels were fighting to stay with me, then we had one week where we arrived with hope, no problems no bleeding, the only week so far where I thought we had got over the icky bit, I had purchased baby gros, hats, their first little cuddly to go in the two cots I had paid  a deposit on and armed with a text from my mum saying , Nanny sends lots of love to her newest Grandbabies, we went into to be scanned to see our cherished precious babies……………

There was this weird sound, I could hear it and couldn’t quite figure out where it was coming from, it was a sound like nothing I have ever heard before, and then I realised that it was coming from me, I was screaming so hard with every ounce of strength I had,  till there was no breath left in my body and then the painful sobbing took over, howling,  begging  the sonographer to say something different, that she had got it wrong that this a just could not be happening.

“I am so sorry Sarah, there are no heartbeats”

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